IN HIS CLAWS !!!!

Today I feeling I'm suffering the claws of the monster that found me yesterday... It is torturing me slow.... The whole day don't seems right for me.... Cant concentrate on doing my things.... Today I found out that I lost one of my office laptop... Later did I found out that I have loan out and have sign wrongly the pervious time.... One of my debtor called up and told me that she is not happy with the repayment plan that was offered to her.. But how could I squeeze out any more money to pay her back......... I'm really end of my wits............

Tomorrow, my Madam is gonna on leave.. Hence, lesser things to do... but that lead me to have more time to ponder... but the more i ponder... the more I'm frustrated, lost and dis hearted......

I feel that I really lost the faith and trust of many people... maybe I have brought this to myself.. I really don't know wat to do....

"God, I'm desperate.... Show me a way!!!"

A monster finally found me...... DEBTS!!!!!!!

Woke up early cause yesterday slept really early around 8+....Like again same as any other day..... report back to camp @ 0730... My chief commented "Wah! Yip why today u so early? U always late wat?" I was like ... NO!! I only late twice (in two mth)and it is due to traffic... What always... Why don't she comment that I'm always early ... as early as 0715.... Why human always like to look @ the dark side?
Recently, there is this campain for the ex-convicts.. "Yellow ribbon project"... It is a project to tell people to give the ex-convict one more chances. To treat them as any normal human.. But human have been the same since this place is named "Earth".... Human love to look @ the darker side of people. All the wrong doing... Mistakes..error.... However, when someone does a good and nice things ... the person at most only say things and then after never mention about it. But the bad things they will always remember and bring it up over and over again....

Finally, It seems all things of my past slapped back @ me.. I felt the intense that I cant hold back longer or sit on it any longer.... That is my debt... I know my past was terrible with heavy debts .. but I wanted to start a new life..hence during NS i tried not to borrow(coz it is a new chapt to my life) .. however I cant seems to settle my past debts .. so there was a period i decided to sit on it... but it seems the longer i sit on it.. the seat gets hotter and now burning... I have a total of 4 debtors and own up to close to 8K. Not mentioning other misc debt ard 200 bucks... Today, all 3 out of 4 debtors come after me through email, call, sms.... I really felt cant breath... It as though they are now strangling me ...... HOW? I think i really have to try to give tuition or something to settle my debt... I have no choice to moonlighting.... In a situation like this.... I have to do somethings to settle.... and not sit on it furture... hence I can come out of this ASAP and lead a new life and move on. I feel that this matter is really hindering me with God.. I just feel that this is the things is really hurting my mentally and spiritually.... I have to get out of this...

"God please help me!!! Make a way for me"

Just another day?

Yesterday :: Nothing but resting..... Took a morning off and noon leave.... Just to rest @ home...

Today :: Woke up like any other day @ 0545 .... wash-up and change to go to camp.... ARGH!! ... I overslept on the bus... overshot 1 bus-stop.... Went over other side to take bus.... I wanted to walk back but HEY! my bus stop is @ the expressway.... How to walk along the expressway....

Again.. .the day was like any other day.... doing the norms...@ 1600.. Ms Foo, my docu I/C told me that my Ezlink card is ready... I took off pass to leave camp early to collect... Now back home blogging... Kind of early then norms..

Yumm.. Dinner is ready.....

SUN day

Woke up real early to go for the Army Half Marathon... However, instead of the 21 KM... I ran the 5 KM.... Personally, I felt it is a achievement to me... i have not been running for the past few month due to my leg injury... I finally completed 5 KM....

After, went home to bath and change to go for services.... really tired ... tried my best to open my eyes during services.. then after went fellowship with my cell group @ a coffeeshop.... after went over to Ben's hse to fix some com error.... Than after again I went back to church for the children day big day briefing...

Meanwhile, Ryan waited for me.... hmmm ... aboout 1.5 hour... He was quite angry about this... feel bad that every time have to get him to wait for me .... but i really dun want to go home along... hmmmmmmmmm.......

zzzzzzZzZzZzZzZzzZzzZz

Back to bloggin.. Where is the love??

Ever since my site @ winston.mission-4-christ.com is down... rather removed.. I have not been blogging... Tired to keep updating my site..... I kinda of tired to catching up with technology and design ever since i enlisted into the army.

Life? Kinda of monotonous after passed out from Basic Military Training (BMT).... Everyday book in and book out. Life like any other office life... People ask me aren't I happy about this? NO!!! I'm not... I missed the buddy buddy kind of feeling that i have from BMT... Where true friends can be found. Living together,suffer together, train together... everything together.. like brothers... real brothers. I really want a exciting & challenging army life that I could tell my children.

Today... book out @ 0900 after my ops duty... went home to bath and rest... changed and went over to Ryan home... had lunch with him.. He played game while i sleep... @ 1630 woke up to go cell group.. had supper.. now bloggin..

Just now, my mum ask me.. "How you want to celevbrate your birthday?" I just reply I'm not going to celebrate. I just feel that though this year is my 21st birthday... nothing for me to celebrate. I don't feel joy like any other guys who turn 21. A sense of grown-up going into adulthood. I'm already in my adulthood.... .. Living a life of my own.... What is there to celebrate? Then she suggested to get a few friends over to have dinner... I replied I didn't want.. coz she have to shrimp and save to celebrate with me. I don't like this feeling. Why people 21 birthday is big bash and bang... with many friends and family around them. While for me is a small little dinner.
Then, she ask me how about a gift? a memorable gift to mark my 21st birthday.... I also reject.. coz also to get me a gift.. she also have to shrimp and save to give me.. I just don't want her because of my 21st birthday ... suffer.... The family is already a heavy burden.....

There is also anything that is in my mind why I don't want to celebrate. I feel myself as a bag.. stuff with SAND(SAD??) Whenever someone is not happy, they will "punch" it on me. Sometimes, my sis will just shout @ me for some small stuff.. or my mum will always grumble about her problems... Ryan will express his unhappiness to me.. But me? who do i express to? I'm sensitive to people but who to senstive to me? sometimes, there is so much things bottle up... I also want to release it.. but when I tell people.. people will say I just stupid.. even get scolding back... Sometimes, I just wanna relase it and a person will just listen and give positive comments and just a hug or putting his/her hands around my shoulder.. in simple is feel loved .....

Where is the LOVE????